How to.

How do you say goodbye completely?

Well unless death takes you – being naturally cold-hearted takes skill.

I’m in this current state of mind where I don’t know what I want for my future. Who I want in it. Where I want to be financially. When I want to, basically move forward.

I’ve been living in the now for way too long that the future seems like a big gaping black hole where you don’t see an end. Or in my case an outcome.

From conversations and experiences I put myself though, having the ability to let go is a magic power I was lucked out of.

I am the epitome of myself and I continue to live the ideal life I allow to come at me. I just cant let go of the past to help with the present where in turn, eventually guide me towards my future.

I know I want to be happy and I will and I am to an extent. Its just that my love tank is empty and my soul seems lost. Its missing something and I’m really not sure what it is.

Back tracking isn’t necessarily the word for it but I do have a problem of not letting go what needs to be gone. I hold on for comfort really. Its draining though. Maybe its because I’m getting at that age where I want to settle down already or I’m just at the age where everything is at a standstill. I need help. But I can only help myself.

Venting definitely aids me. Cataloging my journey also helps in flagging milestones, but if milestones are suppose to represent an “accomplishment” why do I find myself still here – stuck?

Is it because I don’t want the past to leave me completely? I mean its my past it will always be there. Or it is because I’m doing that thing where I expect a different outcome by doing the same ol’ shit I’ve been doing. Whats that quote by Albert Einstein-

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

That’s it right there exactly. I’m apparently insane. I’m not in an over all slump. Its more like a pot hole I keep driving over – waiting for the city to cover it up already. I’m expecting something to happen when I need to make it happen myself, but as cliche as it is its easier said then done.

 

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